Where oh where are you tonight,
why did you leave me here all alone….
Have I failed? I set a goal for 30 blogs in thirty days and have written maybe 17.
Reading about goals versus non goals.
If you do some research you will find that goal setting is not so much falling out of vogue but is shown to be relatively ineffective, limiting creativity, pleasure, often making you feel more failed than successful.
So there. Fuck that goal though it did get me moving in better time with spirit and reintroduced a lush inner life, a quiet sureness. I do not regret opening so wide a door to my past, having undergrowth cleared and footpaths revealed, small and tender, with no long sight lines but leading forward bit by bit. And I will keep dropping portions of my history into these pages, "history is not the past, it is the present." -James Baldwin.
A quote I pulled from a magazine thirty years ago reads,
"Anything that makes you feel better lessens your motivation to confront an oppressive situation."
Anything. Social media scrolling, TV, drugs, caffeine, food, exercise, religion, you name it, all can be stand-ins keeping us from confronting our most fragile and yearning selves.
Remember how I keep saying I was so tired? Well I did something about it. Normally I have an alcoholic beverage, whether a beer or wine with dinner or sometimes right at 5p.m. and my doctor gave me anti-anxiety medication that I was taking at night to sleep. I stopped both, and feel so much better. Additionally, something about the friend who attacked me-several posts ago-his alcoholism really got me thinking about how easy it is to rely on "feeling better" via substances.
Not like it was rocket science to figure out; being in a country where I am still not fluent, currently unemployed, often alone -I also have to consider whether living here is truly viable during Covid- my mental health is of upmost importance. Being clear, practicing some form of exertion, walking, yoga, swimming, is vital to moving sluggish energy and further growth.
Enough. I don't want to preach. We all carry such heaviness at this time. Be well. Take very good care of yourself.
Ciao, alla prossima.
My website now includes a Resources page with recommendations for podcasts and authors. I'm slowly adding to the content that helps keep me sane and may be of use to you as well.