Drinking an IPA
Small tea glasses of beer, like a woman who has hidden from herself, in the freezer, a candy bar. She takes a bite, puts it away, says she's done with it and five minutes later takes another bite.
Were it not for the water I should be half mad today. Woke up shaken and afraid. Afraid of my quiet present and an unknown future.
I keep telling myself, grow your hair long, wear it whatever colour you want, let it shift and blow in the wind as you stride, and I mean mother fucking stride.
That is the water for me. Swimming. It pulls me long and strong. It turns me, balances me, forces me to breath harder, deeper, hold my breathe, be really alive.
And then it lets me go, I lay back on its breast, gliding, soothed, transformed.
Vidal Sassoon was a swimmer up until his death. He said,
And when everybody tells you--the doubters tell you--it can't be done, you'll grow broke or all kinds of tragedies will come your way: Nonsense. If you can get to the root of who you are, the gut of who you are, and make something happen from it--in whatever field--my sense is you're going to surprise yourself."
Power to truth.
The only way to eat an elephant.
Bit by bit.
I am eating an elephant.
In all the stories to be told, I am telling mine to save only myself, and maybe one more like me…
It begs the question. Is it the environment we grow up in? American? Western?
The do-all, have-all, can-do, if not, why not, what's wrong with you?
Whatever is wrong has always been wrong and it is my dearest friend (and betrayer).
My wrongness has saved me from so many missteps. But I have also believed lies for so long like the man at Bethesda, who crippled, complains to the lord, "no one can help me enter the healing waters or every time I try to get into the healing waters someone gets in ahead of me".
I have that dream. Had that dream, so many times its boooooring.
At the pool's edge, I'm ready but something, someone gets in ahead of me, the pool is packed, I just get in and they close the pool, or, the best is, as I am swimming, the water drains from the pool until I am merely making motions
At the bottom…as if.
As if that's satisfactory!!!
The man is saying, "yes, I am crippled or deformed in some way, or merely sick, but goddamn it if every time I try to get healed some motherfucker doesn't get my spot". And you know what Jaysus says to the man, " pick up your dumb fucking lounge chair you've been sitting here in-- for years--, and walk!"
"…while his heart ached with an agony to redeem himself and bring his company safe home..make this tale live for us…o Muse." Odysseus
See you tomorrow.